Beds, Boys, and a Certain Bitty Blonde
by serenelystrange
Summary: What happens, in my head, when Parker needs to buy a bed, and Hardison and Eliot tag along. Pre-slash? ish. I dont know. Mostly just fun. Hope you like!


A/N – ooook. So this started out as a little P/H friendship possibly a hint of more, thing. And then this happened. Um, takes place sometime in season 2, while Sophie is gone. Anything else will spoil it, so I hope you enjoy, :D Reviews are love.

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"What are you doing!"

Parker looked up from her rapid clicking to see Hardison, looking very distressed, heading towards her.

"What?" she asked, "I'm just using the shiny box for some research."

Hardison froze for a moment, trying to process all the was wrong with the current situation. First of all, Parker was playing with his equipment. His highly expensive, highly exclusive, highly nobody but his equipment. Secondly, the open bag of chips by her feet indicated that she was using his equipment with _greasy_ fingers, which was all kinds of wrong. Lastly, and most importantly, Parker had called his baby, his beautiful HD, cost more than your mama makes in a year, jumbo screen a 'shiny box.' That was just wrong.

"That's just wrong," He finally replied, "She's more than just a shiny box, ain't you baby?" Hardison turned his attention to the television, "You're better than that."

"There's something wrong with you," Parker raised her eyebrows at Hardison's rambling.

That halted Hardison in mid complaint, "I.. huh? Ain't that Eliot's line?"

Parker just smirked.

Hardison sighed and gave up, before taking a seat next to Parker on the sofa and gingerly taking his only slightly greasy remote control from her.

"What are you researching, anyway? It looks like a bunch of... furniture stores. Do we have a new job?"

Parker shook her head, "I need a bed."

Hardison was stumped. Understandably so, to anyone with human logic.

"What's wrong with the one you have?" he asked, instead of even attempting to figure out Parker!logic.

"Don't have one," she shrugged, "But I think I should, so I'm trying to find the best place to get one."

"You don't... have a bed?" Hardison said slowly, just to be sure he understood, "We've been in Boston for months... and you don't have a bed? Why?"

She shrugged again, "Didn't know how long..." she trailed off.

Hardison nodded, "Didn't think we'd be here that long, right? But we're here, and we're staying. Nobody's going anywhere."

"Except Sophie," Parker replied plainly, in that creepy devoid of emotion voice that always broke Hardison's heart.

"Sophie will come back, trust me," Hardison assured her, "She just needs time."

"We have clocks here."

He laughed before he could help it, grateful when Parker just rolled her eyes and laughed too.

"Just trust me," Hardison repeated, "She'll come back."

"I do," Parker shrugged, as if it was nothing, "I just wish she'd hurry."

"Me too," he bumped his shoulder against hers, "But anyway, what's with all the recon for a bed? Can't you just go out and pick one?"

She furrowed her brow, "It's not that I can't find anything, I'm just trying to find the right access point."

"Access point?" Hardison didn't want to, but had to, ask.

"Yeah," she continued, "I mean, Macy's has a great selection, but like three floors above the furniture section. And Bed Bath & Beyond is in a squished corner of the mall, it will be difficult to get out alone. And the mattress depot.. they don't even have an alarm system... it'd be too easy."

"Whoa whoa whoa," Hardison stopped her, "You're seriously debating which store will be best to steal a bed from?"

"I'm a thief," Parker reminded him, with an expression that clearly read 'duh.'

Hardison considered, "Fair enough. But I think you should at least test out a few beds before making all these preparations to steal one."

"How do I do that?" Parker asked, "Do we just go and lay on a bunch of beds?"

"Pretty much," Hardison replied, standing, "Come on, we'll start at Macy's, it's closest."

Parker grinned excitedly, "Can I jump on the beds?"

"...Probably not."

Her smile faltered, and she looked up at Hardison with her big hazel eyes, "Why not?"

"Because...safety... and, aw hell, fine, you can jump on the beds. But if security gets involved, I'm pretending I don't know you."

Parker grinned, "Cool. We should bring Eliot."

Hardison looked at her in confusion, "Why?"

"So he can flirt with the salesgirls while I jump on the beds. Duh."

Hardison laughed, "You've got it all worked out, don't you?"

"I'm not hearing a 'you're crazy, Parker," she replied.

"Would it stop you?" Hardison asked.

"Not at all."

Hardison sighed, "I didn't think so. Alright, let's go."

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"Did you get her number?" Parker asked Eliot as they left Macy's. She hadn't found one decent bed in the whole store. And the store had been way too crowded to plan a proper retrieval anyway.

"No!" Eliot shot back, before pausing under the knowing stares of Parker and Hardison, "Ok, yeah. But I didn't ask for it. She just gave it to me. Not my fault."

"Mmm-hmm," Hardison hummed, amused. "And I'm sure you weren't all 'sweetheart, darlin', look at my pretty hair,' at all."

Eliot gave Hardison a hard shove, smirking in satisfaction when the other man nearly slammed into a pillar.

"That wasn't a denial," Parker felt compelled to add when they were all walking again.

"Oh, shut up," Eliot grumbled, wondering how he had gotten dragged into this to begin with.

"You love us," Hardison dismissed Eliot's grumbling with a wave of his hand, "Ain't that right, Parker?"

Parker looked to Eliot, still smiling, but he wasn't an idiot, he saw the sudden conflict in her eyes.

Well, fuck. This was bound to be messy.

"Where we going next?" he changed the subject, almost audibly sighing in relief when Parker's expression returned to normal, and the awkwardness of the moment passed.

"Well there's a temperpedic store down the hall or..."

Hardison was cut off by Parker's 'ooh!' of interest as she spotted a store full of mattresses.

"What's a sleep number?" She asked them as they caught up to her.

"It's like a... damn it, just ask the sales girl," Eliot replied.

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"Hi!" The sales lady, a fifty something woman with a nametag reading "Nancy," called out to them perkily as the three entered the otherwise unoccupied store.

"Hi!" Parker mimicked Nancy's pitch, glaring at Hardison when he elbowed her because of it.

Nancy seemed nonplussed asking, "What can I help you with today?"

"What's a sleep number? Your sign says I can get one for free." Parker replied.

Nancy smiled brightly, "You bet you can! A sleep number is the setting on our adjustable comfort level bed that you are most comfortable with. The bed is adjustable to lessen the effects of tension and stress on your joints and muscles."

"That sounds amazing," Eliot cut in unexpectedly.

The others turned to him in surprise, and he just shrugged, directing his attention to Nancy.

"My job is very... physical. I get pretty beat up sometimes."

Parker snorted, "I'll say,"

"Shh," Hardison hushed her, "She doesn't mean 'beat up, beat up' he stressed to Nancy.

Nancy just raised a perfectly plucked eyebrow.

"Would you like to discover your sleep number?" she asked Eliot, motioning to the test bed.

"Sure," Eliot nodded before positioning himself on the bed and looking up at Nancy.

"Ok," Nancy began, "Now, this is set at 100, the firmest level. What we're going to do is move gradually down until you feel the most comfortable. That will be your sleep number. The screen to your right shows the points of major stress on your body from the bed. When the red spots fade, you should be within your ideal comfort range."

Eliot nodded again, relaxing.

"Quit staring, this isn't surgery or something," he scolded Parker and Hardison, who had come to stand on the other side of the bed and stare at the process curiously.

Hardison rolled his eyes at Parker just bounced in place. Eliot rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to the screen.

"Ok, we're dropping slowly to 90," Nancy spoke in a soothing tone.

The computer screen still blared more red than anything else, so she pressed the button again.

"Dropping to 70, let me know if the bed gets too soft for your liking," she instructed.

Eliot nodded, but still shifted uncomfortably on the bed.

Nancy smiled kindly, "Ok, let's go to 50, see how you like that."

After a moment, Eliot said, "Stop! This is perfect."

"Ah, 55," Nancy nodded, "That's about the average number, actually. And look, the screen has hardly any red at all."

"I want to try!" Parker interrupted, crawling to lay beside Eliot before anyone could protest.

Eliot looked up at Nancy hopefully, "Does that side test too? Because I'm really comfortable right now."

"As a matter of fact," Nancy smiled in a way that only sales people can, "Our beds are designed to have two separate sides of adjustable support so both you and your partner can sleep to the utmost comfort."

"Oh, she's not his... I mean, they aren't..." Hardison cut in before trailing off in embarrassment.

"Oh, I see," Nancy's eyes lit up, "Well, we endorse our products to couples of all shapes, sizes, and... persuasions. Will you be needing to learn your sleep number as well?"

Hardison stammered, "That's not.. I didn't mean... I'm not, yeah, ok, might as well." He sighed in defeat.

"Excellent," Nancy smiled again, "As soon as this young lady is done, we can find your number."

Parker stretched lazily, "This is way too hard."

"We'll start you off at 70, then, hmm," Nancy laughed, pressing the button again.

Parker shifted once the bed stopped wobbling beneath her, "Softer," she demanded.

"Going down to 50," Nancy explained.

"Softer!" Parker demanded again.

"Down to 30."

"Softer!"

"If you're sure," Nancy said as she lowered the bed to zero. "This is the softest setting there is."

Parker grinned, "It's like resting in fluffy jello. It's perfect."

Eliot mumbled something into his equally amazing pillow. She wasn't sure, but Parker thought it sounded a lot like 'something wrong with you.'

"You love us," she teased, repeating Hardison's earlier statement.

Parker might not have noticed the sudden tension in Eliot's body, but Hardison, and the monitor sure did.

"My turn," Hardison interjected, "Come on, El, let me try."

"Gladly," Eliot murmured, getting up.

"And here we go again," Nancy began, setting the bed back to 100.

"Still too firm," Hardison said as she hit 50.

"Dropping to 20," Nancy said after a few more tries.

"Ooh, I like it there. What's that?" Hardison asked, stretching out happily.

"27," Nancy replied, "Almost exactly halfway between your... friends, here."

Hardison looked up at Eliot, who was doing his best to keep a Parker grade blank expression on his face. Parker was still curled up beside Hardison, reveling in the softness of the bed.

Shaking his head and half convincing himself he was imagining things, Hardison stood and thanked Nancy, then proceeded to try and cajole Parker out of the bed.

"Noooo," she mewled, "I like it here."

"We'll come back for the bed," Eliot said, grabbing one of her arms while Hardison grabbed the other.

They tried to pull her up, but Parker surprised them both with her strength and somehow they both fell forward, onto the bed on either side of her.

"There," she said, "Now we can all be comfortable."

Eliot and Hardison exchanged a quick glance.

Comfortable. Right.

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"We have a problem," Eliot hissed to Hardison as Parker was in the bathroom.

Hardison just stared blankly.

"Don't give me that look," Eliot glared, "You know what I mean. That girl is going to drive us both crazy."

"You know how I feel about her," Hardison said, looking away slightly.

"I'm catching up, yeah," Eliot sighed.

"She's not one of your 'friends'" Hardison barely managed to restrain his air quotes.

"Damn it, Hardison, I know that," Eliot took a step forward, putting himself into Hardison's personal space.

Hardison hedged, "N-n-neither am I," he gulped.

"I know that, too," Eliot drawled, his eyes taken on a predatory glint.

"This isn't going to work," Hardison insisted, even as Eliot moved impossibly closer.

"We'll see," Eliot whispered low in his ear before suddenly backing up.

"What the..." Hardison stopped short when he realized Parker was coming back.

"I know what I want," she announced to the others as she rejoined the group.

"That makes one of us," Hardison mumbled under his breath.

Eliot just grinned.

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"You're all set," Eliot said as he placed the mattress on top of the boxspring on Parker's brand new bed.

"Yay!" Parker grinned, jumping on the new, sleep number, bed excitedly.

"Where do you want these?" Hardison's voice reached them a moment before he did, holding the brand new sheets Parker had picked out for the bed.

"On the bed," she replied, "Obviously."

Hardison shrugged and set about pulling the sheets on one side of the bed as Parker pulled the other.

When they were done he stood back to see the whole thing at once.

"Seriously?" he laughed as he noticed the sheets, "Seriously?"

"I thought it was fitting," Parker smirked, moving to stand in front of Hardison, way too close and not close enough, all at once.

Hardison looked over at Eliot in a slight panic, but the other man just grinned lazily as he moved to stand behind Parker and loop his arms around her waist.

"Ok, It's a little cliche," he admitted, "but it gets the point across." He moved one hand to Hardison's waist, hooking a thumb through the belt loop.

Hardison gulped audibly, trying to ignore the fact that Parker was most definitely creeping her fingers under his shirt at the moment, and that Eliot was giving him one of those looks that men and women falling to their knees willingly.

"You guys sure about this?" He asked, not sure which answer would upset him more.

"Yes," Parker responded, just as Eliot said, "No."

"Not... helpful," he ground out between shallow breaths. Parker had crafty, crafty, fingers.

"Relax," Parker soothed, laying a soft kiss to his collarbone.

"Yeah," Eliot concurred, "Relax." He tugged Hardison forward so that Parker was pressed firmly between them.

Hardison would be lying if he said he had ever felt anything better.

"Maybe I'm not sure," Eliot continued, "But I'm not backing down, unless you want me to."

Hardison shook his head rapidly, "No. I want this. All of this, whatever it is."

Parker's mouth was making it's way to his neck and higher thought processes were quickly falling by the wayside.

"So we're good?" Parker asked as she pulled away, leaving Hardison moaning at the loss of contact.

"We're good," he confirmed.

Parker smiled brightly up at him, and damn it if that didn't erase any doubts for the foreseeable future.

"But really, guys," He laughed as he remembered the sheets, "Rainbows?"

Matching laughter was his only reply.

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THE END


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